Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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