Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
