You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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