Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
