Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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