Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
