Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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