Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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