My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
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What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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