I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
