You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
