so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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