Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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