I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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