Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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