If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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