Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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