I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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