This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
