I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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