im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
