Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
