ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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