Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
