If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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