I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
