Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
