No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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