If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
