Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
