there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
