what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
