Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
