I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
