you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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