I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
