I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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