Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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