I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
