My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
