yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
