omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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