I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
