You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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