I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
