I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
