Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
