She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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