My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
