Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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