Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
