just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
