and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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