is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
